Personal Reflections - Trust

Since I left my teaching position to start working as a full-time missionary, I've found myself in situations over and over again where I had no choice but to put my trust in God.  Proverbs 3:5-6 has almost become a way of life for me - though not always joyfully and cheerfully.  Though I've seen God's faithfulness over and over and over again, it's still very often a challenge to let go and trust Him.  

Trust in the Lord with all your heart; lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.  

Proverbs 3:5-6

When I started on this journey, it was all really exciting.  Even though I really didn't know what I was doing, or where my life was going, my faith and energy were high.  As I sold my personal items, took my leave of absence from teaching, and explained to family and friends that I was leaving for the mission field, I couldn't wait to see what God was going to do as I offered myself completely to Him and service in His Kingdom.   

Sure, I had some short-term plans, but I really had no idea what I would be doing 5-6 months out.  I still really don't!   This really has become a way of life for me.  People often ask me how long we will live in the Dominican Republic or in Santo Domingo?  I really have no idea.  Every time I try to make a plan, it just doesn't work out.  

Sometimes I love it, and other times it just seems crazy.  I have a vision/dream that some day we will have a school of some sort to prepare missionaries here in the Dominican Republic, but I don't know how this will all work out.  I'm learning that I just have to keep holding on tight, wait for God to lead and be faithful in following Him.  

The Prayer

I often think back to a prayer that I prayed consistently while I was teaching.  I was surrounded by people who were passionate about God, and I was reading books like "The Barbarian Way", "The Heavenly Man" and "The Hole in Our Gospel".  I woke up early before school, went on long walks and spend the entire time praying and listening for God.  

The prayer I regularly prayed during this time in my life was that God would bless me with the kind of life where I had to be completely dependent on Him, where I couldn't do it alone, and where I would get to see and experience Him and His faithfulness over and over again.  Why would I pray that?  My relationship with God was so sweet and so precious that I didn't want to lose that for anything in the world.  

I was afraid of getting too comfortable, of living a life where I basically had things under control, and I might accidentally get distracted, edge God out and live on my own strength and effort.  I also knew that God is so big, and He is capable of doing so much more than we usually invite or allow Him to do.  I wanted to see God move.

Almost four years into it, if I'm honest, there are days I look back on this prayer request and wonder what in the world was I thinking.  There are days that I long for easy and comfortable, a life that is predictable, where I feel like I have things under control and know where my life is going.  Finally, I get to the point where I take my eyes off of myself, end my little pity-party and look to Jesus.  

I remember all Jesus has done for me, and I praise God that He heard and is answering my prayer.  I thank God that He has blessed me with the opportunity to walk closely with Him, to depend on Him for everything and to see Him come through over and over again.  

The Leap

As I mentioned, I've had plenty of opportunities to put my trust in God and see His faithfulness - I could give you a list right now of so many fantastic, amazing, surprising things I've seen God do since I moved to the Dominican Republic, but for some reason trusting Him doesn't seem to get easier.  

Sometimes I wonder if there's something wrong with me - if I'm like the Israelites wandering in the desert - if God is trying to teach me something, and I just can't seem to get it.  

Then I remember, that's the whole point.  I'm not supposed to "get it" and be able to do it (trust Him) on my own.  If I could somehow "master" this trust issue, then I would have things under control, be comfortable with that piece and would have no need for God to help me.  I hope I'm not confusing you.  But, that's the whole point of trust/faith.  We have to feel the tension - we have to allow God to get us outside of our comfort zones, in order to get to the place where we make the decision to leap, to let go.  Then we run to our Heavenly Father, rest in knowledge of His love and goodness and finally trust Him.

Today

Right now I need this reminder of God's goodness, faithfulness and love, the reminder of His promises to never leave us or forsake us, and His promises that He will provide for our needs in every way.  Joselo and I are preparing to welcome our first child into this world, and this is scary to me!   I have a million questions, doubts and worries, and I wrestle every day to trust God with our futures.  

This baby is coming in less than two months, and I have no idea how this is going to work.  I can try to plan it all out, but I really have no idea what lies ahead.  Besides, then would I be putting my trust in God or in my plan?  

May God give me the grace to trust Him moment by moment, walk peacefully and joyfully confident that He has us in His hands.  I don't want fear and worry to take away from this special and amazing time in our lives.  

I chose to trust that God will be with us just as He was when I stepped out of the box that was comfortable four years ago into a life that I could never had planned for myself.  God is worthy to be trusted.  Will you trust Him, too?